My dear niece.
I was
touched by your post a few weeks back where you felt guilty about feeling angry
because someone had frightened and upset you. I wanted to share some of what I
have learned about anger over the years of my life.
All your
feelings are there for a reason. They are
your response to something that is going on in your environment. Their purpose is to help you evaluate what’s
going on around you. They are as morally
neutral as digestion. It’s not what you feel but what you do with your feelings
that matters.
Anger’s
purpose is to tell you when something is not right and to give you the impetus
to act on that. It is both information
and motivation. In Chinese medicine,
anger is associated with the liver. The
liver is the organ that converts sugar into fat, to store energy, and then
converts it back to sugar when energy is needed. (This is a simplistic version
but basically correct). It is thus the organ of taking action in the world. It is associated with the wood element and
with tiger energy.
Just think
about this: - wood comes from trees. Think
how trees stand upright and grow against gravity. Think of their fibrous
strength, that still stands whatever winds come and buffet them. Anger is what enables you to stand for
yourself, your truth, your needs, your right to be your own person. Trees grow in forests, surrounded by others
who also have their needs and rights to light and life. Each tree has to find its own way – which they
do. They each stand, and in their standing they create a whole ecosphere where
each has greater being because of the standing of the others. In an unhealthy environment,
trees compete with each other for scarce resources. But it is our human, Western,
over-individualistic perspective that sees the needs of one as always pitted
against the needs of others. Trees don’t see it this way. They share nutrients through their roots and
the symbiotic fungi that live in the soil.
And tigers
are the embodiment of the ability to take action. They are bright and fierce
with life, hungry and passionate for it, willing to be brave and fierce to meet
their needs. Think of a mother tiger
defending her young. Think of the wonderful poem “Tyger, tyger burning bright, in
the forests of the night.” However dark
the forest, they burn bright.
But if you
cut down the trees, and forbid them to stand, then there is no defence for the land
against the flooding waters of emotion. They will rush in and cover everything
and the earth will come landsliding down and everything will be out of
control. The trees, by their standing
for themselves, keep the ground in place. As women we are taught from an early
age to block our anger, to smile, to smooth things over and stay calm. These
are useful skills and we all need to learn this, but when it means you feel
guilty about ever feeling angry, no matter what the cause, then it’s
unhealthy. Swallowing anger fills the
belly with toxic emotion, creating digestive problems, breathing problems (from
not being able to speak), and unassuageable hunger from unmet needs (resulting
in addictions, eating disorders, you name it.) We’ve all heard of unrequited love - well I
have a phrase I’ve often felt a need for – unrequited anger. For all those times when I have not been
permitted to speak out for myself. Or when I have spoken and my anger has been
abnormalised, and unheard.
And that is
the problem with anger. In itself it’s a perfectly healthy and indeed sensible
thing to have around, but when you speak out in anger, people generally don’t
want to hear you. It doesn’t matter how valid your point of view is, if it’s
said angrily people just tell you you’re wrong.
I often find myself on the horns of the dilemma that if I speak my piece
reasonably and calmly, then people think I’m not serious. But if I speak it
angrily, they get that I’m serious and there really is a problem, but they invalidate
me anyway just because I got angry. It doesn’t
help that I’ve been so conditioned and punished for ever getting angry that it
takes a huge amount of awfulness in my life to make me speak out. So when I do,
it comes out as an explosion, and I always get tearful and can barely
articulate – which makes it soooo easy for anyone who just doesn’t want to
listen. Anger begets anger. But the
other guy will always justify their anger by saying you started it.
So - even
though it’s true that anger is ok to feel, there are no easy answers to how you
should express your anger in a productive way.
All I can say is, use your anger to give yourself the courage to speak
out and stand for yourself. But don’t
expect others to like you for doing so. When
you resort to anger, do so in the acceptance that you may make others angry
back with you. And, however much you may
want to, it’s not always possible to retain your sense of self and be polite
and nice while you are angry. It’s more than likely you will say things and
hear things back that you didn’t want to. In my life I do try to save anger - or rather
my expression of anger – for when it’s really needed. And even when the fallout from it can be bad,
and people get upset, I’ve reached the point where I can truly say that mostly it
does achieve a good change in whatever situation I needed to deal with.
But even
when that happens, no-one ever acknowledges that I had a point. Even when
people do change their behaviour and it’s a change that benefits all – they still
never thank me for it. That’s just the way it goes. Lots of times I just have
to say to myself – “Just because people didn’t like hearing what I had to say, doesn’t
mean it shouldn’t have been said.”
No-one likes
to hear unwelcome truths, even when everyone benefits from the speaking of
them.
And lots of
times it isn’t right to say anything. Then I just note my anger and let it be. I
never stop myself from feeling what I need to feel.
No-one should
ever tell you what to feel.
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